No Stone Left Untrained

April 01, 2025

Last year, we covered the basics of protecting your pet rock during severe weather (see No Stone Left Behind). But times change, storms evolve, and your rock’s preparedness program should, too. This year, we’re focusing on training, advanced sheltering, and psychological resilience—because a rock in the hand is worth two rolling down the driveway.

Advanced Shelter Engineering

Gone are the days of a simple shoe box hideout. In 2025, a modern pet rock demands an impact-rated micro bunker. Repurpose an old lunchbox, line it with memory foam, and install a tiny solar-powered ventilation fan. If your rock enjoys company, consider a duplex layout with a divider for that all-important personal space.

Specialized Gear Upgrades

This season’s fashion meets function with carbon-fiber mini helmets, customizable in your rock’s favorite color. Waterproof ponchos (crafted from resealable sandwich bags) ensure your rock remains pristine in heavy rain. And for the style-conscious, GPS tags disguised as gemstone inlays allow you to track any unexpected “excursions” during high winds.

Every stone deserves
a good training event.

Emotional Support Protocols

Even the most stoic stones can chip under pressure. Set up a “calm corner” featuring a looping video of gentle river currents, paired with recorded quarry ambience. Studies* show this can reduce weather-related stress fractures by up to 0%—but it still feels nice.

Post-Event Wellness Checks

After the storm passes, inspect your rock for cracks, scuffs, or suspicious lichen growth. Offer a warm rinse, gentle polish, and words of encouragement. Remember, recovery is a process—and your rock’s steadfast loyalty deserves a little TLC.

This April Fool’s Day, keep the humor alive while remembering that real preparedness—whether for people, pets, or pet rocks—starts long before the clouds roll in.

*No actual studies were conducted, but we’re pretty sure your rock will appreciate the effort.